Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things have been hectic and numb. I have spent the last two days with Katt and trips to the hospital. It's been a blessing to have her here. She just left to head back to Lewiston, ID. It's a long trip for her.
We spent the last two days with Patrick till he kicked us out. He is walking and I believe - in depression. I don't know what the doctors told him, but he is very emotional. I think it has to do with dialysis but not sure. He always said he would not do dialysis. We will have to see. I want to know though.
So, as much as I would love to post how wonderfully I have been working on something, I can't. I haven't had the "mood" or "energy" to do anything but play games. I listened to my book last night and I finished it.
Life is hard. But each day, we move on. I am thankful right now that we had a good Anniversary after 42 years. Thanksgiving really wasn't all that important since it was the two of us. I pray I have more time with him, but time will tell. So, when one asks me how I am doing, I answer either "fine" or "in limbo." In limbo is more my answer. I try not to show too much emotion and carry on. I am stressed and know it. I am losing my hair and know it. I keep cleaning, washing clothes, and picking up. Where am I going from here? I don't know, but there is a path I am supposed to take, and it will come. When it does, I hope I am ready for it. I found an envelope with my name on it with the wills. I dread having to read it. Things are easy till it is not. What to do? I don't know. I just know I will get through this, just like everything else. I remember as a teenager, I thought about suicide and found I was talking myself out of it. I got through it. I think of everything before I act. I will do that again. Life has a way of throwing you a wrench and then hitting the wheels that were working fine. This is another clock wheel that is breaking and will need to be fixed. I can get through this, and I will.
So, my day today is to head back up to Olympia and see if he will be coming home. If not, I will be going back up tomorrow to see if he will be coming home. It's a wait and see game. I worry about him, and I know looking at the end of one's life is not easy, but he's lucky enough to know when others are killed and never knew.
So, when I say I'm in limbo, I am. I don't know what's coming, I don't know where I am going. The highs and lows keep coming and I stay even on the map. I will have my low, but time will tell when that is. Limbo is a good place to be. I don't get excited about either high or low. I try not to stress out when the low is too low. Like last Thursday. I shook for having to call 911, but I had to. I have a very good support team. My brother called. I tell Katt what's going on and she does all the contacting everyone. It's rough, but it helps when she can do that for me. Again, that is life. I will get through this and be a better person for it.
Yet, I need to find my happy place - which is being Happy Quilting/Happy Stitching!
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